The Experiment

something is wrong - what the fuck?
Holiday, Sex, Work, Emily, Me, Incomplete, incomplete...
trapped.
Family.
unreasonable, irrational, angry, projecting, awful, fuck.
Baby.
baby. (baby)
running away, pursuit, stalemate, asshole, party crash.
Why do you always blame me
Why does it always have to be my fault
(fault-line)
because i never blame you
it never has to be your fault
you always blame you
it always has to be your fault.
pig-fucker.
who are you?
what do you want?
why are you here?
scared
peace
nowhere else to be
i go there anyway, hiding
hiding from you, from me, from between us
over us
not over us (must)
between the cracks
rain-soaked sneakers and a well-worn Family room chair
a thin comfort futon, an empty bed
a room full of furniture, an open and bleeding head
a ring never worn, a lie never said
a plan never made, a book partly read
there is no pain bullshit you/I are/am receding
eight weeks to destroy eight years
eight days to destroy eight weeks?
eight minutes?
how long does asphyxiation take?
always wanting something else
something you can have but can't
something to fill the need
always a need to need.
i was there and i wasn't there
you were there and you weren't there never there
where are you / am I?
rings of red and brown surrounding
fading green
a high bird's nest empty
cracking stonework
dirty.
enough?
I want it and I don't want it and I want not it
it continues   it stops
it must continue   it must stop
it cannot continue   it cannot stop
all of these are true or TRUE or True
holiday might break me
where do i go from here
alone or together, both must be true (TRUE) (True)
then my only truth was a lie (LIE?)
liars and fools
promises and rules
roller-coasters and merry-go-rounds
we've got it all, even some hooliganism
will you even see this? will you?
i never see it, i'm in it, i am it
i can only be it
no compromise   no regret   bullshit
no remember   no forget
I don't want to leave Life, just this one
but no other suits me   accepts me
you can't take it with you anyway
motherfucker.
baseball bat
broken and twisted keys
a dead tree
a knife in a door
a confession in runes
a bruise under ice
a bruise under clothes
a bruise in untouchable places
aggravated and sore, very sore
double dose and still no sleep
no rest for the weary and wicked
there's shopping to do
meetings   deadlines   surfing   parties   dickwads
freezing hands   burning mind
broken pencil   dead batteries
slick skin   quiet hiss   permanent stain
enough?
arrogance is bliss
picking the scab
sorting the trash
folding the laundry
fleeing the scene
climbing the stairs
leeching the blood
crying the lines
stemming the flood
a fallen angel, angel still
invisible
unknowable
incomprehensible
unreachable
fractions of a whole
fractures and stains
fissures and gaps
reflections in glass, in silver
in cracks and lines
in scars and trophies
in windows   in eyes
in the dawn   in the sunset
in the star-filled skies
in the ocean deeps dark
in flushed crimson, in silent white
in tender blue and expectant green
in mountain night sky black
enough?